Yellow Mustard Review: Boar's Head Yellow Mustard

The nerve of these boars

I'm pissed.

I was sauntering through the local Stop & Shop the other day, procuring some mustard as per usual when I see that the Boar's head selection is on sale. I have always turned my nose up at this brand as it costs three times what a normal mustard would, but I decided to give it an honest try.

This is the worst goddamn mustard I have tasted. Period.

The stars were aligned for this to be a knockout yellow mustard. You're telling me that this sultry yellow sauce is made from pink Himalayan sea salt? Tell me more, why don't you! But when I tried this stuff all on its lonesome, I was immediately appalled.

The taste of this mustard is simultaneously sulfurous and mealy, a combination I had never even thought to exist in a mustard. I'll get to the mealy bit later, because that was a trainwreck all to itself, but I will reiterate: the mustard tasted of brimstone and acridity. I had to taste the mustard again while writing this to remember just how bad it was, and let me tell you, I had to really psych myself up to subject my poor tastebuds to such an experience. I think the issue is the Himalayan sea salt, which adds a chemical precense that I really wish they had never thought of ever doing. What's wrong with kosher salt, Boar's Head? Too pedestrian for you?

And to top it all off, the mustard is washed over with a weird vinegar that somehow, in defiance of all that is good and holy, tastes rancid. Vinegar doesn't go bad, Boar's Head! What the hell are you doing?? Perhaps the most evil part of this, though, is that just for a split second before the aforementioned gustations rear their ugly head, the mustard tastes pretty alright. While all you can taste are the first notes of mustard seed and whatever part of the vinegar they didn't muck up, it titillated me. And then, my world crashed down into disgust.

As I said before, the mouthfeel of the mustard was terrible; I could almost feel each little particle of who-knows-what grating against my taste buds, like some sick bastard had mixed Moon Sand into a bottle of French's as a cruel joke, a torturous blague to a connoisseur like myself. I can't express how flabbergasted I am that Boar's Head managed such a feat - I've had Chinese mustard that was less gritty, and that stuff is literally just mustard powder in water. Maybe Boar's Head accidentally package abrasive water jet liquid into these bottles instead a basic goddamn yellow mustard.

I don't get this. Yellow mustard is the lowest bar, an American bastardization of more sophisticated and/or honest mustards from the Old World, and yet Boar's Head failed on all marks... Well, the bottle is fine, I guess. But I am still mightily irate that a brand with the name recognition of Boar's Head would ruin a gateway mustard like this. If this is the crap people have when they look for a 'good mustard', I understand why so many people say they hate mustard.

1/10. I don't want to talk about it any more.

Specialty Mustard Review: Inglehoffer Cranberry

It's been a while, but here we are! Hard Yellow Forever!

I've been pretty busy with things lately, closing up my mustard-blogging time to a minimum; but I'm back now, and hopefully with weekly - perhaps even bi-weekly - reviews!

Just gotta brush off the cobwebs here.... How did I start these again? Jeez, it's been a while... Ah yes, here we go. Back on track. Let's get right into it!

During your travels in the condiment jungle (oh, it feels so good to say that again!), a skilled mustardeer must always be on the lookout for the, let's say, 'odd' varieties of the one true condiment. Once and a while, you'll be waltzing down the aisle, when suddenly, a rogue cotton-candy flavored mustard will appear in the rough between the Heinz 57 and the Utz.

Now, this is where you must take precautions - first, view the mustard. Is it really worth your time?
Trick question - it's mustard. Of course it is. Moving on...

Next, consider it's functionality. Is it something you would actually use? This is where the aforementioned cotton-candy flavored mustard - other than being a complete adulteration of the mustard family - would fail. But perhaps one has a sweet tooth? I'm not judging.

And finally, price. Seemingly unique mustards can often max out on price, when they honestly aren't that amazing. To be safe, see reviews - like Hard Yellow's! - before purchasing.

Yes, yes, I know there's an Amazon '12-Pack' thing. It's the only good image I could find.

But I'm getting off track. I received this mustard as a gift, so I did not have any choice in the first place as to whether it would grace my cabinet; I had to try it, no matter what. This mustard I speak of is Inglehoffer's Cranberry Mustard, which is reportedly 'great with turkey'. The mustard looks intriguing enough - it's a rambunctious deep purple; the jar is the classically inviting Inglehoffer's type; and who can refuse the proud little bearded German on the side?

However, it's just all downhill from there...

Opening the jar, you're instantly assailed by an overpowering smell of vinegar. Now, I'm a fan of vinegary mustards, mind you. However, when a jar of what I wanted to think fine mustard smells like a vat of cheap white vinegar, it's an instant turn-off for me. Maybe you're into swigging vinegar, but I'm not one of those types. So with this unfortunate smell in my nose, I went to spread the stuff on some chicken - it's close enough to turkey. Unfortunately, the stuff was off this weird, gelatinous consistency - some mustard seeds here, some chopped cranberry there - it wasn't mustard, it was a bloody spread! Eventually, I pulled through, and I took a bite.

Jesus christ, it was weird.

First off - just way, way too vinegary. I don't know what was going on in that jar - the cranberries were fermenting, for all I know. The vinegar-esqe taste just overpowered the entire ensemble with a strange, sour-bitter taste. The cranberry was weak, and what there was of it was just sour. Now, I live in prime cranberry country, and this is the cranberry time of year, so I goddamn know what a cranberry is supposed to taste like. This was not that. And then, the actual mustard aspect of it - effectively non-present. The spread would have been better if it were called 'Vinegar-cranberry flavored rat poison', because it would have at least let me know how it actually tasted.

Overall, the mustard was really just unfortunate; I really wanted to like it, because it was so unique and different, but after the second taste I just threw the stuff away. I give this mustard 1 cranberry out of 5, only because it tried.

Again, new posts coming soon, so get pumped!

Yellow Mustard Review - Heinz Yellow Mustard

When I first saw this mustard, I had high hopes for it. I thought "maybe Heinz has finally redeemed itself after years of heathenous ketchup making." Possibly a bit naïve, but I desperately wanted Heinz Yellow to be good. But it is here where we run into the first of only a few bad mustards. Generally speaking, it's really hard to make a bad mustard, as most of the worse ones are only mediocre, but here is where Heinz gets the job done.

This mustard does do one thing right though: the bottle. I know it's a small thing, but I always hate getting the last bits of mustard out of the squeeze bottle, (which is why I generally prefer a jar), so having the cap on the bottom makes it much easier to get it out of the bottle. It's the ease of use of a jar with the convenience of a squeeze bottle, and the way the cap is designed also means that there isn't the desolate wasteland of a cap we always describe. But that's where the good parts end.

Heinz Yellow Mustard is, to put it simply, awful. It is far too sour, almost to the point of being inedible, and is just disgusting all around. The coloring of the mustard makes it look like easy cheese. The worst part is, this mustard isn't balanced at all. Assuming this is a "strong" yellow mustard, one would try comparing this to Lakeshore Strong Irish Mustard, but this is not an accurate comparison. Heinz Yellow is sour, but the main problem is that it's only sour. There is only a tiny bit of mustard flavor and spice. It's pretty much a mustard-flavored vinegar that can squeeze. Its flavor means it isn't good on anything, and doesn't allow for use in recipes either.

I think the worst part about this mustard is that this is going to be the standard for ketchup heathens, just like alienware is the standard of PCs for console peasants. I've seen the big packages of 2 heinz ketchups, a heinz mustard, and a heinz relish. I've even seen this mustard at quite a few barbecues as well. No matter how easy it is to get, no matter how convenient it is, do not pick up this mustard, you'll be glad you didn't.

WALROR EDIT: 0/10 heinz is evil