Yellow Mustard Review: Boar's Head Yellow Mustard

The nerve of these boars

I'm pissed.

I was sauntering through the local Stop & Shop the other day, procuring some mustard as per usual when I see that the Boar's head selection is on sale. I have always turned my nose up at this brand as it costs three times what a normal mustard would, but I decided to give it an honest try.

This is the worst goddamn mustard I have tasted. Period.

The stars were aligned for this to be a knockout yellow mustard. You're telling me that this sultry yellow sauce is made from pink Himalayan sea salt? Tell me more, why don't you! But when I tried this stuff all on its lonesome, I was immediately appalled.

The taste of this mustard is simultaneously sulfurous and mealy, a combination I had never even thought to exist in a mustard. I'll get to the mealy bit later, because that was a trainwreck all to itself, but I will reiterate: the mustard tasted of brimstone and acridity. I had to taste the mustard again while writing this to remember just how bad it was, and let me tell you, I had to really psych myself up to subject my poor tastebuds to such an experience. I think the issue is the Himalayan sea salt, which adds a chemical precense that I really wish they had never thought of ever doing. What's wrong with kosher salt, Boar's Head? Too pedestrian for you?

And to top it all off, the mustard is washed over with a weird vinegar that somehow, in defiance of all that is good and holy, tastes rancid. Vinegar doesn't go bad, Boar's Head! What the hell are you doing?? Perhaps the most evil part of this, though, is that just for a split second before the aforementioned gustations rear their ugly head, the mustard tastes pretty alright. While all you can taste are the first notes of mustard seed and whatever part of the vinegar they didn't muck up, it titillated me. And then, my world crashed down into disgust.

As I said before, the mouthfeel of the mustard was terrible; I could almost feel each little particle of who-knows-what grating against my taste buds, like some sick bastard had mixed Moon Sand into a bottle of French's as a cruel joke, a torturous blague to a connoisseur like myself. I can't express how flabbergasted I am that Boar's Head managed such a feat - I've had Chinese mustard that was less gritty, and that stuff is literally just mustard powder in water. Maybe Boar's Head accidentally package abrasive water jet liquid into these bottles instead a basic goddamn yellow mustard.

I don't get this. Yellow mustard is the lowest bar, an American bastardization of more sophisticated and/or honest mustards from the Old World, and yet Boar's Head failed on all marks... Well, the bottle is fine, I guess. But I am still mightily irate that a brand with the name recognition of Boar's Head would ruin a gateway mustard like this. If this is the crap people have when they look for a 'good mustard', I understand why so many people say they hate mustard.

1/10. I don't want to talk about it any more.

Yellow Mustard Review - Alstertor Düsseldorf-Style Mustard

     It's been a while, it really has. 5 more days than a year, to be exact. But fear not, my mustardy allies, for although I have not been writing mustard reviews for more than 12 months, I have most certainly been delighting my taste buds with that succulent mix of mustard seed and vinegar that we all know and love. I promise to you all, this will be only the first in a new string of mustard reviews that will seek to improve upon the platform I built a year ago. And with that, I bring you the king of the mustards I have tried in 2015, a true tour de force coming at you from the Rhineland: the Alstertor Düsseldorf-Style Mustard!

An adorable mug o' mustard!

     As per tradition here on Hard Yellow, I shall first address the vessel for the mustard; in this case, it is a lovely glassware in the shape of a classic German beer mug, tenderly made in what I can presume is only the most noble of German factories. While you, dear reader, may guffaw at the premise of a handled mustard jar, I rebute thee - having a handle only allows for increased precision when you come down to scraping the last knifeloads of mustardy goodness out of the jar. And after all, it doubles as a glass afterwards!  But let me be clear, although the choice of container is fabulous, this is by no means the best part of the this mustard.

     This mustard, in what I can only assume is what other Düsseldorf-style mustard strive to be, is audaciously smooth, even to the point of being 'creamy'. I was awed by the unique consistency of this fine specimen, which was also surprisingly light. The taste itself was a milder yellow mustard, definitely not as vinegary as a traditional American yellow; the mustard flavor was allowed to shine through, which I always appreciate. The fact that it's on the milder side does mean it's not the best choice on a sandwich, where you need a strong mustard like Colman's English to punch through the bread and meats - this mustard is best for dipping meats like pork or comping with potatoes or pretzels, situations where it does not overpower, but complements the food. In this way, this mustard is very refined, above the usual proletarian yellow mustards; this is a high-class fellow, deserving to be used in your finest meals.

     For my first mustard rating of 2016, I give this fantastic mustard a 9 out of 10, up there with other stellar mustards like the Colman's English and Olivier Cognac mustards. This is a culinary delicacy that one cannot afford to miss. And to you, I bid you a happy February of mustardy splendor!

Yellow Mustard Re-Review - French's Classic

It's so cute!

Welcome, Mustardeers, to our first Hard Yellow Re-Review!

I've noticed that I've been rather harsh to a number of mustards I have reviewed in the past, including this hallmark of the contemporary mustard scene, French's Classic Yellow. This is the mustard you will see when you look up mustard on Google Images; it's the mustard you'll find at a barbeque, on a pretzel cart, or in a hot dog shop. This mustard is a reliable bastion of the Mustard faith.

Now, before I said the mustard was just okay. But now that I've received the mustard as a personal gift, I'm willing to go further and say it's really quite good. The vinegar to mustard ratio is not as large as I remember; while it still is more vinegary than Koop's, it's pretty formidable in the mustard flavor department.

I'd also like to talk about the shape of the bottle. Like, come on! This thing is a masterpiece of industrial design. The curvature of the bottle is optimal for squeezing; the cap is both small enough at the tip to avoid crusty mustardness, and wide enough at the bottom to allow easy squeezing; and it has a great iconic look, comparable to the classic Campbell's can as a classic icon.

All in all, I give this mustard 8 cutesy mustard bottles out of 10, for it's many strengths in the mustard category and it's superiority in the packaging one.

Yellow Mustard Review - Koops' Original

What a wonderful thing!

Welcome, Mustardeers, to the review of my favorite yellow mustard!

Koops' is a wonderful mustard, with a nice, full-bodied taste, unlike other common yellow mustards like French's, which goes down the vinegary line instead. The mustard has many great qualities that set it apart from the generic family barbeque mustard, which keeps me using it day after day. Fasten your seatbelts, because you've boarded the Hard Yellow roller-coaster of mustardy goodness!

First, the bottle shape is quite nice. It's big, has a nice hand feel and looks authentic with the real mustard yellow color, unlike French's or Heinz' brighter yellow. Even with my voracious mustard appetite, I haven't run out of the stuff from my month-old bottle. My only criticism is that the flip cap can yield a crusty mustard-disk if not cleaned after use; it's not a nice experience to have that drop in the middle of your food, you know?

Moving on to the consistency. It's a smooth mustard, but maybe slightly less than other commercial mustards. It gives off the feeling that there's real ground mustard seeds in there, instead of concentrated mustard powder. (It's probably still powder, but mouthfeel is mouthfeel.)

Finally, the overall taste. As I mentioned earlier, the mustard is frankly just more mustardy than other yellow mustards. The increased mustard flavor works well withe the tartness of the vinegar to create a wonderful casual mustard, great for use with hot dogs, burgers and the odd soft pretzel. I give this mustard a solid 8 Mini-Coopers (geddit) out of 10, for a nice, functional mustard that keeps every meal enjoyable without the stress of choosing the perfect mustard.

Yellow Mustard - Colman's Original English

Note the unique bottle shape.

Ahhh, Colman's. There's no way a mustard connoisseur can not like this hallmark English mustard. There's just so much to be excited for when you see this condiment on the table.

Let's start with our usual critique of the bottle. This shape is immediately identifiable as Colman's - the slightly bell-shaped slope of the bottle is it's trademark look. The screw cap keeps the desolate wasteland look away, and gives it that fancy mustard air.

The mustard itself, however, is a tour de force of the English variety of mustard as a whole. It's a very strong mustard, with that heat that you would expect from a specimen of the English variety of the condiment jungle. It's a tiny bit sweet after the initial punch of heat; or maybe that was just my taste buds recuperating from the wave of mustardy goodness. It's hard to tell sometimes.

This mustard is good on pretty much anything that's English-esqe. Ham sandwich? Oh course. Pork? By all means. Potatoes? Absolutely. (Mustard tastes great with baked potatoes, trust me. You need a strong flavor like this to break through the starchiness, though.) This mustard, though very strong, is surprisingly versatile. If you're a fan of good mustard, and you're bored of weak American yellow, try this well-crafted mustard out for size - you won't be disappointed.

WALROR EDIT: this doesn't have a rating so I'm gonna stick a 9 in here.

Author Edit: Upon retrospection (4/27/20), this mustard scores a solid 10 / 10!

Yellow Mustard Review - Heinz Yellow Mustard

When I first saw this mustard, I had high hopes for it. I thought "maybe Heinz has finally redeemed itself after years of heathenous ketchup making." Possibly a bit naïve, but I desperately wanted Heinz Yellow to be good. But it is here where we run into the first of only a few bad mustards. Generally speaking, it's really hard to make a bad mustard, as most of the worse ones are only mediocre, but here is where Heinz gets the job done.

This mustard does do one thing right though: the bottle. I know it's a small thing, but I always hate getting the last bits of mustard out of the squeeze bottle, (which is why I generally prefer a jar), so having the cap on the bottom makes it much easier to get it out of the bottle. It's the ease of use of a jar with the convenience of a squeeze bottle, and the way the cap is designed also means that there isn't the desolate wasteland of a cap we always describe. But that's where the good parts end.

Heinz Yellow Mustard is, to put it simply, awful. It is far too sour, almost to the point of being inedible, and is just disgusting all around. The coloring of the mustard makes it look like easy cheese. The worst part is, this mustard isn't balanced at all. Assuming this is a "strong" yellow mustard, one would try comparing this to Lakeshore Strong Irish Mustard, but this is not an accurate comparison. Heinz Yellow is sour, but the main problem is that it's only sour. There is only a tiny bit of mustard flavor and spice. It's pretty much a mustard-flavored vinegar that can squeeze. Its flavor means it isn't good on anything, and doesn't allow for use in recipes either.

I think the worst part about this mustard is that this is going to be the standard for ketchup heathens, just like alienware is the standard of PCs for console peasants. I've seen the big packages of 2 heinz ketchups, a heinz mustard, and a heinz relish. I've even seen this mustard at quite a few barbecues as well. No matter how easy it is to get, no matter how convenient it is, do not pick up this mustard, you'll be glad you didn't.

WALROR EDIT: 0/10 heinz is evil

Yellow Mustard Review - Lakeshore Strong Irish Mustard

This here mustard is another of my preferred mustards for daily use. This yellow mustard (it's not really that much of a 'yellow' yellow mustard though, but I'll elaborate on that later) has a powerful punch that wakes up one's palette in a jiffy, as the name alludes to. It'll tear your previous beliefs on an Irish mustard to flitters, ya gobdaw!

The mustard is obviously quite smooth, as can be seen through the stout glass jar favored by Lakeshore for its many kinds of mustard. Having a more mellow texture like this allows the mustard to perform well across the board, primarily on sandwiches, as a dip and with meats. However, this is where the mustard's mellow nature ends. Hidden behind this seemingly friendly yellow colour is a kraken of a mustardy flavor! Be sure to use this condiment in smaller amounts than your usual yellow mustards; when I first encountered this ferocious predator of the condiment jungle, I was unaware of it's 'strong' aspect until I had a tablespoon of the stuff on my tongue. Not the best way to be introduced, but it won me back over quickly.

The defining characteristic of a yellow mustard is the fact that it contains turmeric, a mellow but down-to-earth-tasting spice, which creates the bright yellow colour. Despite the fact that Lakeshore's Strong Irish Mustard likely contains turmeric for it's telltale colour, it is wildly unlike other yellows like French's in it's taste. It would likely be better to call this mustard an English mustard, for it's taste, but for now we'll still refer to it as yellow. Yellow or not, this mustard is one to look out for in your travels.

WALROR EDIT: This stuff looks pretty good, so an 8 should be alright.

Yellow Mustard Review - French's Classic Yellow

As our first review on Hard Yellow, we're starting with the classic cookout condiment, yellow mustard. This kind of mustard, the kind commonly encountered out in the condiment wilderness, is truly a masterpiece. Imagine a world, with no mustard. Just ketchup. Disgusting.

Classic Yellow mustard is a rather classic example of yellow mustard. So classic that it is, in fact, yellow. Not only is this mustard yellow, but it is also classic! Anyways, this mustard is a work of art. It tastes like what mustard should taste like: mustard. A little on the vinegary side, but that's to be expected from a both yellow and French's mustard.
The main problem is that weird crusty mustard rings around the cap that the mustard comes out of, which is a common problem with any kind of yellow mustard; without extreme care and maintenance of one's squeezable bottle, the cap will become a desolate wasteland. But not all can be perfect. Overall, it's pretty okay.

WALROR EDIT: Pox did a re-review so I'm not gonna give this a rating.

we didn't get paid for this i swear