Specialty Mustard Review: Inglehoffer Cranberry

It's been a while, but here we are! Hard Yellow Forever!

I've been pretty busy with things lately, closing up my mustard-blogging time to a minimum; but I'm back now, and hopefully with weekly - perhaps even bi-weekly - reviews!

Just gotta brush off the cobwebs here.... How did I start these again? Jeez, it's been a while... Ah yes, here we go. Back on track. Let's get right into it!

During your travels in the condiment jungle (oh, it feels so good to say that again!), a skilled mustardeer must always be on the lookout for the, let's say, 'odd' varieties of the one true condiment. Once and a while, you'll be waltzing down the aisle, when suddenly, a rogue cotton-candy flavored mustard will appear in the rough between the Heinz 57 and the Utz.

Now, this is where you must take precautions - first, view the mustard. Is it really worth your time?
Trick question - it's mustard. Of course it is. Moving on...

Next, consider it's functionality. Is it something you would actually use? This is where the aforementioned cotton-candy flavored mustard - other than being a complete adulteration of the mustard family - would fail. But perhaps one has a sweet tooth? I'm not judging.

And finally, price. Seemingly unique mustards can often max out on price, when they honestly aren't that amazing. To be safe, see reviews - like Hard Yellow's! - before purchasing.

Yes, yes, I know there's an Amazon '12-Pack' thing. It's the only good image I could find.

But I'm getting off track. I received this mustard as a gift, so I did not have any choice in the first place as to whether it would grace my cabinet; I had to try it, no matter what. This mustard I speak of is Inglehoffer's Cranberry Mustard, which is reportedly 'great with turkey'. The mustard looks intriguing enough - it's a rambunctious deep purple; the jar is the classically inviting Inglehoffer's type; and who can refuse the proud little bearded German on the side?

However, it's just all downhill from there...

Opening the jar, you're instantly assailed by an overpowering smell of vinegar. Now, I'm a fan of vinegary mustards, mind you. However, when a jar of what I wanted to think fine mustard smells like a vat of cheap white vinegar, it's an instant turn-off for me. Maybe you're into swigging vinegar, but I'm not one of those types. So with this unfortunate smell in my nose, I went to spread the stuff on some chicken - it's close enough to turkey. Unfortunately, the stuff was off this weird, gelatinous consistency - some mustard seeds here, some chopped cranberry there - it wasn't mustard, it was a bloody spread! Eventually, I pulled through, and I took a bite.

Jesus christ, it was weird.

First off - just way, way too vinegary. I don't know what was going on in that jar - the cranberries were fermenting, for all I know. The vinegar-esqe taste just overpowered the entire ensemble with a strange, sour-bitter taste. The cranberry was weak, and what there was of it was just sour. Now, I live in prime cranberry country, and this is the cranberry time of year, so I goddamn know what a cranberry is supposed to taste like. This was not that. And then, the actual mustard aspect of it - effectively non-present. The spread would have been better if it were called 'Vinegar-cranberry flavored rat poison', because it would have at least let me know how it actually tasted.

Overall, the mustard was really just unfortunate; I really wanted to like it, because it was so unique and different, but after the second taste I just threw the stuff away. I give this mustard 1 cranberry out of 5, only because it tried.

Again, new posts coming soon, so get pumped!

Honey Mustard Review: Inglehoffer Sweet

The jar is so small. Yet so cute!

Ah, honey mustard. Despite it being quite good, I personally don't see it as much. It's main purpose in my eyes is to be a gateway for new mustard fans into the condiment jungle, not necessarily a great condiment. And unfortunately, this mustard has not proven me wrong.

I'm not saying this mustard is bad, of course; it's just that honey mustards feel a bit adulterated to my refined mustardy palette by now. But frankly, I just don't find this mustard living up to my past experiences with honey mustard either, when I was but a little tyke who ate macaroni and cheese for every other meal. I find the initial taste to be a little off-putting at first. I was taken a little bit aback; the stuff hit my tongue, and I was expecting an immediate, rich honey taste. What I got was a clashing honey and mustard. It did resolve quickly, but it was not a nice entry.

My other criticism is that the mustard was very thin. I'm accustomed now to the thick glory of strong, full-bodied mustards, so this came as a bit of a surprise. The mustard just seems to take a natural back-seat role to anything it's on. I didn't even taste it last time I used it.

And yes, I know, honey mustard is supposed to be used as a dipping sauce less than a spread. But this segways nicely into my next point - the jar size. It's a dinky little thing that makes you want to conserve the stuff, not use it as a dip at a party. The jar is pretty nice and distinctive, but come on! It's just too little.

I'd give this mustard 6 childhood memories out of 10. It wasnt bad, but I just didn't love it either. Stick to what you're good at, Inglehoffer - strong stuff.

Maybe in the future I'll find a good honey mustard. But for now, catch you again on Friday.

Stone Ground Mustard Review - Inglehoffer Stone Ground Mustard

Ah, yes. Inglehoffer ™. I don't know what it means, but it's delicious. Spread this yellow cream of heaven unto thine bread to create a masterpiece of a sandwich. Sometimes I like to eat the little brown things in it because they are cool.

Compared to classic yellow mustard,  Inglehoffer™ stone ground mustard is pretty awesome. It's good on pretty much anything. Especially on kielbasa subs. I mean, if I didn't love mustard so much, I would make this on how hot dogs suck compared to kielbasa. But anyways, this is a rare but beautiful mustard in the condiment jungle. Would eat again.

WALROR EDIT: This is pretty alright, but I'm gonna do a 6 to mix it up a bit.

we still arent getting paid stop looking at me like that