Yellow Mustard Review: Boar's Head Yellow Mustard

The nerve of these boars

I'm pissed.

I was sauntering through the local Stop & Shop the other day, procuring some mustard as per usual when I see that the Boar's head selection is on sale. I have always turned my nose up at this brand as it costs three times what a normal mustard would, but I decided to give it an honest try.

This is the worst goddamn mustard I have tasted. Period.

The stars were aligned for this to be a knockout yellow mustard. You're telling me that this sultry yellow sauce is made from pink Himalayan sea salt? Tell me more, why don't you! But when I tried this stuff all on its lonesome, I was immediately appalled.

The taste of this mustard is simultaneously sulfurous and mealy, a combination I had never even thought to exist in a mustard. I'll get to the mealy bit later, because that was a trainwreck all to itself, but I will reiterate: the mustard tasted of brimstone and acridity. I had to taste the mustard again while writing this to remember just how bad it was, and let me tell you, I had to really psych myself up to subject my poor tastebuds to such an experience. I think the issue is the Himalayan sea salt, which adds a chemical precense that I really wish they had never thought of ever doing. What's wrong with kosher salt, Boar's Head? Too pedestrian for you?

And to top it all off, the mustard is washed over with a weird vinegar that somehow, in defiance of all that is good and holy, tastes rancid. Vinegar doesn't go bad, Boar's Head! What the hell are you doing?? Perhaps the most evil part of this, though, is that just for a split second before the aforementioned gustations rear their ugly head, the mustard tastes pretty alright. While all you can taste are the first notes of mustard seed and whatever part of the vinegar they didn't muck up, it titillated me. And then, my world crashed down into disgust.

As I said before, the mouthfeel of the mustard was terrible; I could almost feel each little particle of who-knows-what grating against my taste buds, like some sick bastard had mixed Moon Sand into a bottle of French's as a cruel joke, a torturous blague to a connoisseur like myself. I can't express how flabbergasted I am that Boar's Head managed such a feat - I've had Chinese mustard that was less gritty, and that stuff is literally just mustard powder in water. Maybe Boar's Head accidentally package abrasive water jet liquid into these bottles instead a basic goddamn yellow mustard.

I don't get this. Yellow mustard is the lowest bar, an American bastardization of more sophisticated and/or honest mustards from the Old World, and yet Boar's Head failed on all marks... Well, the bottle is fine, I guess. But I am still mightily irate that a brand with the name recognition of Boar's Head would ruin a gateway mustard like this. If this is the crap people have when they look for a 'good mustard', I understand why so many people say they hate mustard.

1/10. I don't want to talk about it any more.

Specialty Mustard Review: Inglehoffer Creamy Dill Mustard (with Lemon & Capers)

An all-around champion

My relationship with Inglehoffer's products is dichotomous. Sometimes I adore their mustards, and sometimes quite the opposite. I come before you today with the highest of the former, an unexpected treasure I snatched off a Wegman's shelf in the initial pandemic grocery rush. This became not only a favorite of mine, but of my whole family as the days went on in quarantine.

I was taken aback by so much about this mustard. The creaminess was unparalleled, making it an easy spread on anything, even with the herbs. However, the taste is what has it pull ahead: the dill flavor is magnanimous, supported by the acidic bite of lemon and the slight floral nature of the capers. The mustard flavor and texture is like a mild Dusseldorf, filling out the flavor profile very nicely. I went through this mustard very quickly, especially as it became a household favorite as well.

Whilst this might come off as an in-your-face herbal mustard with scant application, I disagree. I've had this on turkey and ham, on pretzels and on rye, and even on a very tasty pork tenderloin (with added fresh dill to amp up the dill flavor - my family's a bunch of dillheads.) I kept finding myself going back to this mustard as a default because it was present but not overbearing, always elevating what I was eating instead of obfuscating or overwhelming the palate.

My last (admittedly retroactive) 10 out of 10 was for the English mustard bulwark, Colman's, mainly out of respect. However, Inglehoffer's Creamy Dill is perfect on its own terms, an excellent mustard that anyone can enjoy. I give it a 10/10 for flavor, balance, texture, and of course, the bottle.

Honey Mustard Review: Wegman's Honey Mustard

Unassuming and affordable

National quarantine has taken my time, energy and conviction, but it has yet to seize my appreciation for the finer things in life: chiefly, some good mustard at lunch. Whilst it is no secret that HY has been on a very long hiatus, I am finally encouraged to return, riding upon the fervent praises of friends and family, to share a rather overlooked gem: Wegman's store label Honey Mustard.

What makes this mustard special enough to return to the hallowed halls of Hard Yellow? If you are familiar with my past work, you may remember a certain tirade about my issues with mass produced honey mustard. Many honey mustards manage to bastardize both parts of the equation, creating a sauce that has both lost its mustard flavor, and yet, none of the bee-syrup goodness of honey. Too often you are left with a product like Inglehoffer's, which, although their mustard is often supreme, leaves me disappointed with an off-yellow, runny sauce that is weaker than French's and no sweeter than a dijon. When I am sold a damned honey mustard, I want this sauce to at the very least represent one of the two it is made from.

Wegman's has managed this. Their honey mustard leans firmly towards the former of its namesake, producing an incredibly thick, sultry sweet mustard that finally satisfies my sweet tooth. You can actually pick out the tiny floral hints real honey carries, those little notes that tell you that yes, this is real. (Real in the lowest sense in that it is mass-produced without the actual magic of local beekeepers' honey, but I digress.) I've found great enjoyment with introducing this condiment to hams, darker & savory breads (like pretzels!) and more; much like how you use normal honey sparingly to not blow out your tongue with sugar spots, this mustard plays best at complimenting heavy flavors. I've even mixed it with hot sauce, which was a nice experience.

Hotness, however, brings me to my main qualm with this mustard. Nothing has changed in my hawkish perceptions of mustard containers, and I'm afraid Wegman's does not score high. The plastic container provides no slippage to ease the viscous mustard out; a wide-mouth glass jar would have been preferable. As well, I am disappointed in how it advertises this mustard as 'hot', when it is most certainly not. The mustard takes a back seat in this condiment: as I have shown, I am not cross with this, but I do hate false advertising.

In conclusion, this is finally a honey mustard that I would purchase again. This is not the pinnacle whatsoever - it could have reintroduced the actual mustardy heat it was missing for a truly wonderful thing - but it scores above any honey mustard I've seen before. All told, a 7 out of 10, and the impetus I needed to get back to my home here on Hard Yellow.

Coming soon: Inglehoffer's Creamy Dill!
Please leave any suggestions in the comments below!

Sweet Mustards - East Shore Foods Sweet and Tangy Mustard

     So for this last Christmas season, my family decided that the only logical present for somebody like me would be to send me a plethora of mustards to have. One of these was the fantastic Düsseldorf I reviewed a few days ago; I also received a collection of mustards from Trader Joe's called the 'Mustard Miscellany', which will be a delight to review as the weeks march on. One of these moutardes nouvelles is East Shore Foods' Sweet & Tangy Mustard.  

Actual size is about 1 1/2 inches tall.

The container I got is just... wow. Way too small. I know it was supposed to be a cutesy stocking stuffer sort of mustard, but for heaven's sake, this jar was so small a butter knife could barely fit in it! While I acknowledge that there are larger sizes of this stuff, the simple fact that they sell that bastardized dwarf of a jar takes off points for me. When I have mustard, I want a damn large jar o' the stuff!

The taste itself is weak, as many other sweet mustard are susceptible to becoming. The taste is too sweet, obviously pandering to those unrefined palettes that cannot withstand a full-bodied mustard taste like that offered by Lakeshore's Irish Mustard, for example. The mustard is just not strong enough to even compliment something it's put on - it just gets lost in the background. When this happens to a mustard, I regret even putting it on, as I just wasted time applying something to my sandwich that I wouldn't even taste. But this aside, the mustard is alright; it is a bit tangy, which is fun and different. But the weakness of the mustard is just inexcusable.

Like I said, this mustard isn't horrible. But the fact is, it just isn't that great either. Because of the ineffective holiday packaging meant only to boost sales of stocking stuffers and the weakness of the mustard, this mustard gets a 4/10, a below average.

Speciality Dijon Mustard Review - Trader Joe's Provençal Mustard (from the Mustard Miscellany)

This time, I bring you, my loyal mustards, a real treat. Straight from the marvelous Trader Joe's Mustard Miscellany (which you can bet I'll be reviewing over the next few weeks!), I bring you a truly interesting mustard; Trader Joe's own Provençal mustard.

Get excited!

After rudimentary research, I have found that a Provençal mustard is considered by most mustard companies to be a Dijon with paprika, as Trader Joe's is; another example would be Edmond Fallot's own Provencal Dijon Mustard, which I plan to try once I can find it in a local shop!

As per usual with Trader Joe's mustards, the jar is nothing special, just a nice & functional glass jar with a screw top. Easy to use, effective for storage, really all-around okay. One thing I have noticed is that Trader Joe's seems to have a sort of continuity with its choice of glassware, as their wonderful stone-ground Dijon also has the same jar. It's food for thought.

On to the actual mustard - I had no idea it would be so paprika-y! When it comes down to it, the mustard is good not for the mustard flavor as much as the great paprika flavor, which is a taste you tend not to get with such a weak flavor. The white wine is also used well, and it is not overpowering to the rest of the flavors, as the acidic base of mustards can be (I'm looking at you, Heinz.) Although the paprika is great, I am a bit disappointed in how the mustard is masked by the strength of the paprika flavor; I would have preferred it if the flavors had balanced to be a Provençal mustard, not a paprika spread with mustard. But I digress - it's still good stuff. It's really nice on it's own, with a nice toasted bread like a baguette, and it also works well on savory foods, as long as you use enough of it.

This mustard excels in its amazing paprika-ful taste and smart use of white wine as the base of the dijon, but the mustard taste is just not strong enough to work with the paprika - if I have to search for the mustard while tasting, that's not going to earn great marks from me. Because of this, I give it a low 8; I may sound like I don't like it, but it's really still very tasty!

Yellow Mustard Review - Alstertor Düsseldorf-Style Mustard

     It's been a while, it really has. 5 more days than a year, to be exact. But fear not, my mustardy allies, for although I have not been writing mustard reviews for more than 12 months, I have most certainly been delighting my taste buds with that succulent mix of mustard seed and vinegar that we all know and love. I promise to you all, this will be only the first in a new string of mustard reviews that will seek to improve upon the platform I built a year ago. And with that, I bring you the king of the mustards I have tried in 2015, a true tour de force coming at you from the Rhineland: the Alstertor Düsseldorf-Style Mustard!

An adorable mug o' mustard!

     As per tradition here on Hard Yellow, I shall first address the vessel for the mustard; in this case, it is a lovely glassware in the shape of a classic German beer mug, tenderly made in what I can presume is only the most noble of German factories. While you, dear reader, may guffaw at the premise of a handled mustard jar, I rebute thee - having a handle only allows for increased precision when you come down to scraping the last knifeloads of mustardy goodness out of the jar. And after all, it doubles as a glass afterwards!  But let me be clear, although the choice of container is fabulous, this is by no means the best part of the this mustard.

     This mustard, in what I can only assume is what other Düsseldorf-style mustard strive to be, is audaciously smooth, even to the point of being 'creamy'. I was awed by the unique consistency of this fine specimen, which was also surprisingly light. The taste itself was a milder yellow mustard, definitely not as vinegary as a traditional American yellow; the mustard flavor was allowed to shine through, which I always appreciate. The fact that it's on the milder side does mean it's not the best choice on a sandwich, where you need a strong mustard like Colman's English to punch through the bread and meats - this mustard is best for dipping meats like pork or comping with potatoes or pretzels, situations where it does not overpower, but complements the food. In this way, this mustard is very refined, above the usual proletarian yellow mustards; this is a high-class fellow, deserving to be used in your finest meals.

     For my first mustard rating of 2016, I give this fantastic mustard a 9 out of 10, up there with other stellar mustards like the Colman's English and Olivier Cognac mustards. This is a culinary delicacy that one cannot afford to miss. And to you, I bid you a happy February of mustardy splendor!

Creole Mustard Review - Tabasco Coarse-Ground Mustard

Hey there Mustardeers! I'd like to apologize for the wait on my part - snow and tests and things got in the way. Thanks to Wally here, we managed to keep from a total silence, but nevertheless I apologize. That aside, let's move onto a mustard I've been wanting to review for a while: Tabasco's own Coarse-Ground hot mustard!

This is an example of the 'creole' variety of mustard. Hailing from New Orleans, it's a spicier and grainier mustard that goes great on such New Orleans dishes as po' boys. This mustard definitely fits into the category, with it's coarse-ground composition and the spice from the Tabasco. The bottle is also quite nice, with a nice curvature and generic cap like most other mustards in the condiment jungle.

Look how badass it looks! (Disclaimer: not actually badass.)

However, to my disappointment, the mustard does not perform so well in the flavor category. The spice is rather weak for what I would assume to be the classic red Tabasco sauce. The taste is overall bland, which is dissatisfying. Now, the taste that is there isn't half bad; the mustard flavor is there, if a little weak. However, I was expecting a taste more along the lines of a nice stone-ground Dijon, like Trader's Joes', but spicier; but what I got was a weak, deli-mustard-esqe flavor with only a weak kick.

I'd recommend using this mustard in large amounts on sandwiches and the like to make up for it's lack of strength. If you're looking for a slightly spicy, coarse mustard, this is the one; but knowing Tabasco's history of strong hot sauces, this was disappointing. I give this 4 of those adorable mini Tabasco bottles out of 10; it's mediocre, but by trying to be something it wasn't, that made me a little cranky.

Trader Joe's Basil Mustard - Specialty Mustard Review

This stuff is pretty good. Then again, it's also one of the first fancy mustards I have reviewed, so my standards are kinda low. This is a review of Trader Joe's Basil Mustard from the Mustard Miscellany they offer. In case you didn't know, basil is a herb that tastes both sweet and savory, yet slightly minty. It also has a powerful smell of pepper and mint.

Trader Joe's Basil Mustard is a combination of spiciness and mustardiness, if that makes any sense. It has a sort of grainy texture, which adds to the depth that this mustard provides. The spicy flavor that this mustard has provides a nice kick. The variety of flavors and textures it possesses allows for a miscellany of uses- from sandwiches to eggs or something maybe? Do people do that? I bet it would be good. But it tastes good on sandwiches. Or off a spoon.

Another thing that this mustard has is a great jar. The ergonomically designed glass jar provides an opening for optimal mustard-spoonage. Plus, the jar holds a sizable amount of mustard, meaning you can lather it on all sorts of things until you run out.

The one on the right because I didn't take a picture.

If you like your mustard to have some heat and herb-y taste, I would definitely recommend this mustard. I'd give this a solid 9 basil leafs out of 10. I haven't broken into the next three quite yet, but stay tuned for them!

Speciality Mustard Review - Olivier Cognac Mustard

Welcome, fellow Mustardeers, to another installment of Hard Yellow mustard reviews from your resident mustard fanatic! To help out for this post, my new editor has carefully reviewed this review to make this post the best it could be. (I pay him in handshakes.)

For our first real review of 2015, I present to you a masterpiece - Olivier's Cognac Mustard. As usual, I have to discuss the jar first before anything else; this is the mustard's only fault. The jar is unfortuantely quite unwirlding, especially the top; it gets stuck very easily, and ios one of those agravating tops that's hard to put back on again easily.

But with that over with, let's move on to the actual mustard!

From the vineyards of Napa Valley!

 
The stuff is magnificent. It smells pleasing, unlike other mustard involving alcoholic ingredients like dijon mustard; and the taste is unbelievable. It's almost creamy in taste, with a pleasant amount of mustard; the cognac definitely pulls it all together. This mustard is wonderful on most anything involving meat; I first had it on ham, which was delicious.

I looked at the ingredients, and they're quite interesting. The mustard is in fact a blend of stone ground mustard, dijon mustard and cognac. This lends for a mustard with both great taste and texture; there are just enough seeds to keep it interesting, but not too many to make it a birdseed-mustard.

Overall, this elegant mustard gets 9 french spirits out of 10; the taste is unbelievable, and it's definitely one of my favorite mustards, but for the reasons of the jar and my refusal of giving anything a perfect score, it stays at a 9.

Mustard Miscellany!

Hey guys! Happy New Years!

I know we've been slacking on the posts lately, but let's just pretend it was a vacation or something. Anyways, I got Trader Joe's Mustard Miscellany for Christmas!

How exciting! I'll be making posts over time as I try each one, the first being the Basil Mustard. Spoilers, it's pretty good. Pox also said he had cognac mustard but he probably is gonna slack on that per usual. See you soon!

Yellow Mustard Review - Koops' Original

What a wonderful thing!

Welcome, Mustardeers, to the review of my favorite yellow mustard!

Koops' is a wonderful mustard, with a nice, full-bodied taste, unlike other common yellow mustards like French's, which goes down the vinegary line instead. The mustard has many great qualities that set it apart from the generic family barbeque mustard, which keeps me using it day after day. Fasten your seatbelts, because you've boarded the Hard Yellow roller-coaster of mustardy goodness!

First, the bottle shape is quite nice. It's big, has a nice hand feel and looks authentic with the real mustard yellow color, unlike French's or Heinz' brighter yellow. Even with my voracious mustard appetite, I haven't run out of the stuff from my month-old bottle. My only criticism is that the flip cap can yield a crusty mustard-disk if not cleaned after use; it's not a nice experience to have that drop in the middle of your food, you know?

Moving on to the consistency. It's a smooth mustard, but maybe slightly less than other commercial mustards. It gives off the feeling that there's real ground mustard seeds in there, instead of concentrated mustard powder. (It's probably still powder, but mouthfeel is mouthfeel.)

Finally, the overall taste. As I mentioned earlier, the mustard is frankly just more mustardy than other yellow mustards. The increased mustard flavor works well withe the tartness of the vinegar to create a wonderful casual mustard, great for use with hot dogs, burgers and the odd soft pretzel. I give this mustard a solid 8 Mini-Coopers (geddit) out of 10, for a nice, functional mustard that keeps every meal enjoyable without the stress of choosing the perfect mustard.

Dijon Mustard Review - French's Dijon

Hon hon hon!

Did you know that French's made more that yellow mustard?

Probably. Here is one of the finer mustards I have tasted from French's. Apparently mustards is spelled wrong, but I think this is lying to me. I actually have only had French's yellow though, so I'm not exactly the most credible person to say that. But it was much better than I expected! Being French's, I assumed this would be a rather mediocre mustard. Surprisingly enough, it was pretty good. I actually had it twice, two days in a row. After making my first sandwich, I figured, "Hey, this is dijon. That might be too much." It probably was. This is a rather strong dijon, with a nice spicy, strong taste. I personally find mustard with a strong taste to be preferable, though I do dislike overpowering mustard. Back to the mustard.

French's Dijon is quite an experience. With a desirable texture and a strong, dijon-y taste, I'd give French's Dijon mustard a good 7 bottles of chardonnay out of 10. A delightful experience, I would recommend this mustard to any classic BBQ, or even for a small dinner or something. I don't know. It's pretty alright though.

Mustard Product Review - Strong & Kind Honey Mustard Almond Protein Bar

This stuff is amazing.

Just going to preface this review with that; honestly, start queuing up a shipment of strong bars on Amazon while you read this. It's legitimate mustard mana.

The Strong & Kind bars, which my friends and I fondly refer to as Strong Bars, are almond-based protein bars that are surprisingly good for you, and even more surprisingly amazingly delicious. If this were not a mustard blog, I would be praising the Honey Smoked BBQ and Thai Sweet Chili flavors too; luckily enough, however, the Honey Mustard flavor reigns supreme.

But wait, you may ask - Why in hell's name are you perusing a line of protein bars? Let me explain.

My good friend brought in one of these formidable-looking things to homeroom one morning, and my friends and I incessantly made fun of him for eating such an apparently disgusting thing as a protein bar; I will definitely give you that this thing has an initially off-putting appearance, but you'll get over it, or even grow to enjoy it with a certain love.
Anyhoo, he told us how great it was, and it quickly became the new fad, if you will, in our friend group of thirty-something. Nowadays, it's a cherished good that we celebrate in partaking in every time.

Unfortunately we couldn't complete the flavor quintet of Honey BBQ, Roasted Jalapeno, Hickory Smoked & Thai Sweet Chili without Honey Mustard, which was apparently so popular or amazing that our local supermarket either doesn't carry them or runs out of them immediately. Eventually, we decided to order them online. A week later, we indulged ourselves in some Strong Bar goodness.

And onto the actual review we go!

The Strong Bar, in all it's 45º angle glory!

Let's start with appearance. Like I said before, it's kind of endearingly ugly. It's just a cobbled together bar of a variety of protein-y things, with a strange sheen and a sticky texture. Honestly, on first contact with a Strong Bar, I thought it would taste pretty bad. However, I was wrong; the taste is quite nice. The almonds aren't too hard and dry, the seeds are tasty and crackly, and it's overall pretty good, even if you had it without flavor.

But here on Hard Yellow, all we care about it mustard!

The honey mustard flavor of the Honey Mustard Strong Bar is very strong. It's a firey sort of mustard, kind of like Colman's, just weaker. The honey aspect of the bar is quite refreshing, with a sweetness after the mustardy flavor. The aftertaste is a nice combination of the mustard & honey, which leaves you wanting more. Honestly, this is the tastiest health food you could ever ingest, folks.

So, mustardeers, I rate this bar at a 9.9 Strong Bars out of 10, just because it's not readily available. Go out and get yourself some Strong Bars, so you can become strong too.

Stone Ground Mustard Review - Bookbinder's Whole Grain Mustard

Okay so I guess we're doing this again so get hyped for some better-than-Pox's-reviews!

I decided to eat a sandwich on Sunday, so I figured I'd go a little wild on the mustard.

Well, it's actually a fairly normal stone ground mustard. Bookbinder's Whole Grain Mustard is a pretty run of the mill mustard. It didn't have any particular smell or outstanding taste. I actually had two of these in the fridge but one of them expired March 2013, so I decided not to eat that one. Now that I think about it, that's kinda gross.

Anyways you can probably find this stuff at your local supermarket because it was in a plastic bottle and not all fancy like Pox's stuff. When I opened it, it had a hole for the mustard to come out of rather than a open top, therefore avoiding gross crusty stuff. That being said, it was kind of hard to squeeze it out, Not like, I was exhausted by it, but more of a, "this is mustard not a strong person competition." The consistency of the mustard was nice, it wasn't oily or hard or weird.

Now to taste. It wasn't very strong. It was saying, "I'm here, eat me," but it wasn't grabbing my tongue and yelling, "Feast on my soul, human." You could only really taste it if you singled it out from the sandwich. Even then it wasn't very strong. And I'm not going to stick it on my finger and lick it. I think Pox does that. He's kinda weird.

So, overall, I'd give this persuasion of Bookbinder's mustard a solid 5 stone ground mustard seeds out of 10. Nothing special, nothing awful.

Dijon Mustard Review - Edmond Fallot Basil

C'est une belle moutarde, oui?

Welcome, fellow mustardeers, to the world of French mustard! Or, should I say, la monde des moutardes françaises! (My French is horrible, just warning you now.)

Mustard has been a part of French cuisine for centuries, chiefly dijon mustard, a classic variety of mustard made with white wine in lieu of vinegar. Now, most dijons do not actually sire from the original French city of Dijon. However, the Fallot Mustard Mill, which creates Edmon Fallot-brand mustard, is actually located in the Burgundian region of France, of which Dijon is the capital. (Their website is honestly fantastic, if translated a bit wonkily.) It doesn't get much more authentic than this!

Walking through my local HomeGoods the other day, I found this noble-looking jar with an orange mark-down sticker upon it. Half an hour later, I was home with my surprisingly inexpensive little prize. May the mustardy gods bless thee, HomeGoods!

Upon opening the stately jar, you find that the mustard is very, very pungent in smell, like many traditionally made mustards. Do not see this as a turn-off, however - the strong smell of white wine is not what it will taste like. In fact, the mustard does not taste much like white wine at all - it has an incredibly powerful basil taste. I found it overpowering when used as a dip for meats, so I recommend using it in conjunction with starches or bread. The mustard flavor is not the strongest, but I find that acceptable, given that the centerpiece of this particular mustard is it's basil attribute.

This mustard is quite the experience, and I recommend it to all those who enjoy pesto more than anything. I give it 7 basil leaves out of 10; it was often overpowering, but all in all, it was a formidable mustard that is worth your time.

Specialty Mustard Review: Inglehoffer Cranberry

It's been a while, but here we are! Hard Yellow Forever!

I've been pretty busy with things lately, closing up my mustard-blogging time to a minimum; but I'm back now, and hopefully with weekly - perhaps even bi-weekly - reviews!

Just gotta brush off the cobwebs here.... How did I start these again? Jeez, it's been a while... Ah yes, here we go. Back on track. Let's get right into it!

During your travels in the condiment jungle (oh, it feels so good to say that again!), a skilled mustardeer must always be on the lookout for the, let's say, 'odd' varieties of the one true condiment. Once and a while, you'll be waltzing down the aisle, when suddenly, a rogue cotton-candy flavored mustard will appear in the rough between the Heinz 57 and the Utz.

Now, this is where you must take precautions - first, view the mustard. Is it really worth your time?
Trick question - it's mustard. Of course it is. Moving on...

Next, consider it's functionality. Is it something you would actually use? This is where the aforementioned cotton-candy flavored mustard - other than being a complete adulteration of the mustard family - would fail. But perhaps one has a sweet tooth? I'm not judging.

And finally, price. Seemingly unique mustards can often max out on price, when they honestly aren't that amazing. To be safe, see reviews - like Hard Yellow's! - before purchasing.

Yes, yes, I know there's an Amazon '12-Pack' thing. It's the only good image I could find.

But I'm getting off track. I received this mustard as a gift, so I did not have any choice in the first place as to whether it would grace my cabinet; I had to try it, no matter what. This mustard I speak of is Inglehoffer's Cranberry Mustard, which is reportedly 'great with turkey'. The mustard looks intriguing enough - it's a rambunctious deep purple; the jar is the classically inviting Inglehoffer's type; and who can refuse the proud little bearded German on the side?

However, it's just all downhill from there...

Opening the jar, you're instantly assailed by an overpowering smell of vinegar. Now, I'm a fan of vinegary mustards, mind you. However, when a jar of what I wanted to think fine mustard smells like a vat of cheap white vinegar, it's an instant turn-off for me. Maybe you're into swigging vinegar, but I'm not one of those types. So with this unfortunate smell in my nose, I went to spread the stuff on some chicken - it's close enough to turkey. Unfortunately, the stuff was off this weird, gelatinous consistency - some mustard seeds here, some chopped cranberry there - it wasn't mustard, it was a bloody spread! Eventually, I pulled through, and I took a bite.

Jesus christ, it was weird.

First off - just way, way too vinegary. I don't know what was going on in that jar - the cranberries were fermenting, for all I know. The vinegar-esqe taste just overpowered the entire ensemble with a strange, sour-bitter taste. The cranberry was weak, and what there was of it was just sour. Now, I live in prime cranberry country, and this is the cranberry time of year, so I goddamn know what a cranberry is supposed to taste like. This was not that. And then, the actual mustard aspect of it - effectively non-present. The spread would have been better if it were called 'Vinegar-cranberry flavored rat poison', because it would have at least let me know how it actually tasted.

Overall, the mustard was really just unfortunate; I really wanted to like it, because it was so unique and different, but after the second taste I just threw the stuff away. I give this mustard 1 cranberry out of 5, only because it tried.

Again, new posts coming soon, so get pumped!

Honey Mustard Review: Inglehoffer Sweet

The jar is so small. Yet so cute!

Ah, honey mustard. Despite it being quite good, I personally don't see it as much. It's main purpose in my eyes is to be a gateway for new mustard fans into the condiment jungle, not necessarily a great condiment. And unfortunately, this mustard has not proven me wrong.

I'm not saying this mustard is bad, of course; it's just that honey mustards feel a bit adulterated to my refined mustardy palette by now. But frankly, I just don't find this mustard living up to my past experiences with honey mustard either, when I was but a little tyke who ate macaroni and cheese for every other meal. I find the initial taste to be a little off-putting at first. I was taken a little bit aback; the stuff hit my tongue, and I was expecting an immediate, rich honey taste. What I got was a clashing honey and mustard. It did resolve quickly, but it was not a nice entry.

My other criticism is that the mustard was very thin. I'm accustomed now to the thick glory of strong, full-bodied mustards, so this came as a bit of a surprise. The mustard just seems to take a natural back-seat role to anything it's on. I didn't even taste it last time I used it.

And yes, I know, honey mustard is supposed to be used as a dipping sauce less than a spread. But this segways nicely into my next point - the jar size. It's a dinky little thing that makes you want to conserve the stuff, not use it as a dip at a party. The jar is pretty nice and distinctive, but come on! It's just too little.

I'd give this mustard 6 childhood memories out of 10. It wasnt bad, but I just didn't love it either. Stick to what you're good at, Inglehoffer - strong stuff.

Maybe in the future I'll find a good honey mustard. But for now, catch you again on Friday.

Deli Mustard Review: Kosciusko Spicy Brown

Just look at it's spicy brownness!

Welcome back, my mustardy fellows, to Hard Yellow!

Before we get started, I'd just like to announce that these reviews will be coming out more slowly than our past rapid-fire posts. This will ensure quality of posts, so you will get the best reviews of mustard possible!

So, onto the mustard. Just look at this thing. How can a mustard in a barrel-shaped bottle be bad? (It's also 100% natural. Apparently.) It looks like a dignified mustard, without being complacent enough to come in a glass jar. And dignified this mustard is!

The taste of this mustard is very nice. Not super vinegary, it carries that clean deli mustard taste I have grown to love in recent years. The spiciness that Kosciusko vouches isn't horribly strong. It's not the swift kick that Colman's offers, it's more of a hard yet friendly pat on the back. Because it's not so overpowering, it's good for when you want the mustard to take a supporting role, like on a good sandwich. In short, this is your "eating-a-sandwich-at-3-in-the-afternoon" kind of mustard; something that comforts, helps you along, but doesn't blow your taste buds immediately away.

I'd give this mustard 7 lazy summer days out of 10. It's a nice mustard, goes well with a good amount of stuff, and generally can hold it's own. It's a great addition to a mustard geek's collection.

Yellow Mustard - Colman's Original English

Note the unique bottle shape.

Ahhh, Colman's. There's no way a mustard connoisseur can not like this hallmark English mustard. There's just so much to be excited for when you see this condiment on the table.

Let's start with our usual critique of the bottle. This shape is immediately identifiable as Colman's - the slightly bell-shaped slope of the bottle is it's trademark look. The screw cap keeps the desolate wasteland look away, and gives it that fancy mustard air.

The mustard itself, however, is a tour de force of the English variety of mustard as a whole. It's a very strong mustard, with that heat that you would expect from a specimen of the English variety of the condiment jungle. It's a tiny bit sweet after the initial punch of heat; or maybe that was just my taste buds recuperating from the wave of mustardy goodness. It's hard to tell sometimes.

This mustard is good on pretty much anything that's English-esqe. Ham sandwich? Oh course. Pork? By all means. Potatoes? Absolutely. (Mustard tastes great with baked potatoes, trust me. You need a strong flavor like this to break through the starchiness, though.) This mustard, though very strong, is surprisingly versatile. If you're a fan of good mustard, and you're bored of weak American yellow, try this well-crafted mustard out for size - you won't be disappointed.

WALROR EDIT: this doesn't have a rating so I'm gonna stick a 9 in here.

Author Edit: Upon retrospection (4/27/20), this mustard scores a solid 10 / 10!

Dijon Mustard Review - Market Basket Brand Dijon Mustard

I didn't have any other mustard, so I had to go with this. I didn't have a high quality image either. (Then ChickenPox got me a better one.) This is the okay of mustards. It was your good old spicy dijon, but the bottle really got me.

First off, we had a case of desolate mustard wasteland cap. It was crusty, and crusty is not what I want in my dijon mustard. I also had the wet mustard problem, where all the oils or something float to the top and then drip out when you go to squeeze the bottle.

Finally, the sound. Oh sweet, mustardy gods, please forgive Market Basket. Never mind the sound, some sort of alien ray mixed with pain and sadness, as it makes a kind of "sploooshuffffgush" sound. And repeats.

Anyways, the mustard was mediocre. If you can't afford fancy dijon, feel free to pick up this. And look forward to Market Basket's honey mustard review, too.

(I need more mustard.)

WALROR EDIT: yeah this stuff wasn't too great so I'm gonna put in a 4.