Yellow Mustard Review: Boar's Head Yellow Mustard

The nerve of these boars

I'm pissed.

I was sauntering through the local Stop & Shop the other day, procuring some mustard as per usual when I see that the Boar's head selection is on sale. I have always turned my nose up at this brand as it costs three times what a normal mustard would, but I decided to give it an honest try.

This is the worst goddamn mustard I have tasted. Period.

The stars were aligned for this to be a knockout yellow mustard. You're telling me that this sultry yellow sauce is made from pink Himalayan sea salt? Tell me more, why don't you! But when I tried this stuff all on its lonesome, I was immediately appalled.

The taste of this mustard is simultaneously sulfurous and mealy, a combination I had never even thought to exist in a mustard. I'll get to the mealy bit later, because that was a trainwreck all to itself, but I will reiterate: the mustard tasted of brimstone and acridity. I had to taste the mustard again while writing this to remember just how bad it was, and let me tell you, I had to really psych myself up to subject my poor tastebuds to such an experience. I think the issue is the Himalayan sea salt, which adds a chemical precense that I really wish they had never thought of ever doing. What's wrong with kosher salt, Boar's Head? Too pedestrian for you?

And to top it all off, the mustard is washed over with a weird vinegar that somehow, in defiance of all that is good and holy, tastes rancid. Vinegar doesn't go bad, Boar's Head! What the hell are you doing?? Perhaps the most evil part of this, though, is that just for a split second before the aforementioned gustations rear their ugly head, the mustard tastes pretty alright. While all you can taste are the first notes of mustard seed and whatever part of the vinegar they didn't muck up, it titillated me. And then, my world crashed down into disgust.

As I said before, the mouthfeel of the mustard was terrible; I could almost feel each little particle of who-knows-what grating against my taste buds, like some sick bastard had mixed Moon Sand into a bottle of French's as a cruel joke, a torturous blague to a connoisseur like myself. I can't express how flabbergasted I am that Boar's Head managed such a feat - I've had Chinese mustard that was less gritty, and that stuff is literally just mustard powder in water. Maybe Boar's Head accidentally package abrasive water jet liquid into these bottles instead a basic goddamn yellow mustard.

I don't get this. Yellow mustard is the lowest bar, an American bastardization of more sophisticated and/or honest mustards from the Old World, and yet Boar's Head failed on all marks... Well, the bottle is fine, I guess. But I am still mightily irate that a brand with the name recognition of Boar's Head would ruin a gateway mustard like this. If this is the crap people have when they look for a 'good mustard', I understand why so many people say they hate mustard.

1/10. I don't want to talk about it any more.

Specialty Mustard Review: Inglehoffer Creamy Dill Mustard (with Lemon & Capers)

An all-around champion

My relationship with Inglehoffer's products is dichotomous. Sometimes I adore their mustards, and sometimes quite the opposite. I come before you today with the highest of the former, an unexpected treasure I snatched off a Wegman's shelf in the initial pandemic grocery rush. This became not only a favorite of mine, but of my whole family as the days went on in quarantine.

I was taken aback by so much about this mustard. The creaminess was unparalleled, making it an easy spread on anything, even with the herbs. However, the taste is what has it pull ahead: the dill flavor is magnanimous, supported by the acidic bite of lemon and the slight floral nature of the capers. The mustard flavor and texture is like a mild Dusseldorf, filling out the flavor profile very nicely. I went through this mustard very quickly, especially as it became a household favorite as well.

Whilst this might come off as an in-your-face herbal mustard with scant application, I disagree. I've had this on turkey and ham, on pretzels and on rye, and even on a very tasty pork tenderloin (with added fresh dill to amp up the dill flavor - my family's a bunch of dillheads.) I kept finding myself going back to this mustard as a default because it was present but not overbearing, always elevating what I was eating instead of obfuscating or overwhelming the palate.

My last (admittedly retroactive) 10 out of 10 was for the English mustard bulwark, Colman's, mainly out of respect. However, Inglehoffer's Creamy Dill is perfect on its own terms, an excellent mustard that anyone can enjoy. I give it a 10/10 for flavor, balance, texture, and of course, the bottle.

Honey Mustard Review: Wegman's Honey Mustard

Unassuming and affordable

National quarantine has taken my time, energy and conviction, but it has yet to seize my appreciation for the finer things in life: chiefly, some good mustard at lunch. Whilst it is no secret that HY has been on a very long hiatus, I am finally encouraged to return, riding upon the fervent praises of friends and family, to share a rather overlooked gem: Wegman's store label Honey Mustard.

What makes this mustard special enough to return to the hallowed halls of Hard Yellow? If you are familiar with my past work, you may remember a certain tirade about my issues with mass produced honey mustard. Many honey mustards manage to bastardize both parts of the equation, creating a sauce that has both lost its mustard flavor, and yet, none of the bee-syrup goodness of honey. Too often you are left with a product like Inglehoffer's, which, although their mustard is often supreme, leaves me disappointed with an off-yellow, runny sauce that is weaker than French's and no sweeter than a dijon. When I am sold a damned honey mustard, I want this sauce to at the very least represent one of the two it is made from.

Wegman's has managed this. Their honey mustard leans firmly towards the former of its namesake, producing an incredibly thick, sultry sweet mustard that finally satisfies my sweet tooth. You can actually pick out the tiny floral hints real honey carries, those little notes that tell you that yes, this is real. (Real in the lowest sense in that it is mass-produced without the actual magic of local beekeepers' honey, but I digress.) I've found great enjoyment with introducing this condiment to hams, darker & savory breads (like pretzels!) and more; much like how you use normal honey sparingly to not blow out your tongue with sugar spots, this mustard plays best at complimenting heavy flavors. I've even mixed it with hot sauce, which was a nice experience.

Hotness, however, brings me to my main qualm with this mustard. Nothing has changed in my hawkish perceptions of mustard containers, and I'm afraid Wegman's does not score high. The plastic container provides no slippage to ease the viscous mustard out; a wide-mouth glass jar would have been preferable. As well, I am disappointed in how it advertises this mustard as 'hot', when it is most certainly not. The mustard takes a back seat in this condiment: as I have shown, I am not cross with this, but I do hate false advertising.

In conclusion, this is finally a honey mustard that I would purchase again. This is not the pinnacle whatsoever - it could have reintroduced the actual mustardy heat it was missing for a truly wonderful thing - but it scores above any honey mustard I've seen before. All told, a 7 out of 10, and the impetus I needed to get back to my home here on Hard Yellow.

Coming soon: Inglehoffer's Creamy Dill!
Please leave any suggestions in the comments below!

Sweet Mustards - East Shore Foods Sweet and Tangy Mustard

     So for this last Christmas season, my family decided that the only logical present for somebody like me would be to send me a plethora of mustards to have. One of these was the fantastic Düsseldorf I reviewed a few days ago; I also received a collection of mustards from Trader Joe's called the 'Mustard Miscellany', which will be a delight to review as the weeks march on. One of these moutardes nouvelles is East Shore Foods' Sweet & Tangy Mustard.  

Actual size is about 1 1/2 inches tall.

The container I got is just... wow. Way too small. I know it was supposed to be a cutesy stocking stuffer sort of mustard, but for heaven's sake, this jar was so small a butter knife could barely fit in it! While I acknowledge that there are larger sizes of this stuff, the simple fact that they sell that bastardized dwarf of a jar takes off points for me. When I have mustard, I want a damn large jar o' the stuff!

The taste itself is weak, as many other sweet mustard are susceptible to becoming. The taste is too sweet, obviously pandering to those unrefined palettes that cannot withstand a full-bodied mustard taste like that offered by Lakeshore's Irish Mustard, for example. The mustard is just not strong enough to even compliment something it's put on - it just gets lost in the background. When this happens to a mustard, I regret even putting it on, as I just wasted time applying something to my sandwich that I wouldn't even taste. But this aside, the mustard is alright; it is a bit tangy, which is fun and different. But the weakness of the mustard is just inexcusable.

Like I said, this mustard isn't horrible. But the fact is, it just isn't that great either. Because of the ineffective holiday packaging meant only to boost sales of stocking stuffers and the weakness of the mustard, this mustard gets a 4/10, a below average.

Speciality Dijon Mustard Review - Trader Joe's Provençal Mustard (from the Mustard Miscellany)

This time, I bring you, my loyal mustards, a real treat. Straight from the marvelous Trader Joe's Mustard Miscellany (which you can bet I'll be reviewing over the next few weeks!), I bring you a truly interesting mustard; Trader Joe's own Provençal mustard.

Get excited!

After rudimentary research, I have found that a Provençal mustard is considered by most mustard companies to be a Dijon with paprika, as Trader Joe's is; another example would be Edmond Fallot's own Provencal Dijon Mustard, which I plan to try once I can find it in a local shop!

As per usual with Trader Joe's mustards, the jar is nothing special, just a nice & functional glass jar with a screw top. Easy to use, effective for storage, really all-around okay. One thing I have noticed is that Trader Joe's seems to have a sort of continuity with its choice of glassware, as their wonderful stone-ground Dijon also has the same jar. It's food for thought.

On to the actual mustard - I had no idea it would be so paprika-y! When it comes down to it, the mustard is good not for the mustard flavor as much as the great paprika flavor, which is a taste you tend not to get with such a weak flavor. The white wine is also used well, and it is not overpowering to the rest of the flavors, as the acidic base of mustards can be (I'm looking at you, Heinz.) Although the paprika is great, I am a bit disappointed in how the mustard is masked by the strength of the paprika flavor; I would have preferred it if the flavors had balanced to be a Provençal mustard, not a paprika spread with mustard. But I digress - it's still good stuff. It's really nice on it's own, with a nice toasted bread like a baguette, and it also works well on savory foods, as long as you use enough of it.

This mustard excels in its amazing paprika-ful taste and smart use of white wine as the base of the dijon, but the mustard taste is just not strong enough to work with the paprika - if I have to search for the mustard while tasting, that's not going to earn great marks from me. Because of this, I give it a low 8; I may sound like I don't like it, but it's really still very tasty!

Yellow Mustard Review - Alstertor Düsseldorf-Style Mustard

     It's been a while, it really has. 5 more days than a year, to be exact. But fear not, my mustardy allies, for although I have not been writing mustard reviews for more than 12 months, I have most certainly been delighting my taste buds with that succulent mix of mustard seed and vinegar that we all know and love. I promise to you all, this will be only the first in a new string of mustard reviews that will seek to improve upon the platform I built a year ago. And with that, I bring you the king of the mustards I have tried in 2015, a true tour de force coming at you from the Rhineland: the Alstertor Düsseldorf-Style Mustard!

An adorable mug o' mustard!

     As per tradition here on Hard Yellow, I shall first address the vessel for the mustard; in this case, it is a lovely glassware in the shape of a classic German beer mug, tenderly made in what I can presume is only the most noble of German factories. While you, dear reader, may guffaw at the premise of a handled mustard jar, I rebute thee - having a handle only allows for increased precision when you come down to scraping the last knifeloads of mustardy goodness out of the jar. And after all, it doubles as a glass afterwards!  But let me be clear, although the choice of container is fabulous, this is by no means the best part of the this mustard.

     This mustard, in what I can only assume is what other Düsseldorf-style mustard strive to be, is audaciously smooth, even to the point of being 'creamy'. I was awed by the unique consistency of this fine specimen, which was also surprisingly light. The taste itself was a milder yellow mustard, definitely not as vinegary as a traditional American yellow; the mustard flavor was allowed to shine through, which I always appreciate. The fact that it's on the milder side does mean it's not the best choice on a sandwich, where you need a strong mustard like Colman's English to punch through the bread and meats - this mustard is best for dipping meats like pork or comping with potatoes or pretzels, situations where it does not overpower, but complements the food. In this way, this mustard is very refined, above the usual proletarian yellow mustards; this is a high-class fellow, deserving to be used in your finest meals.

     For my first mustard rating of 2016, I give this fantastic mustard a 9 out of 10, up there with other stellar mustards like the Colman's English and Olivier Cognac mustards. This is a culinary delicacy that one cannot afford to miss. And to you, I bid you a happy February of mustardy splendor!

Creole Mustard Review - Tabasco Coarse-Ground Mustard

Hey there Mustardeers! I'd like to apologize for the wait on my part - snow and tests and things got in the way. Thanks to Wally here, we managed to keep from a total silence, but nevertheless I apologize. That aside, let's move onto a mustard I've been wanting to review for a while: Tabasco's own Coarse-Ground hot mustard!

This is an example of the 'creole' variety of mustard. Hailing from New Orleans, it's a spicier and grainier mustard that goes great on such New Orleans dishes as po' boys. This mustard definitely fits into the category, with it's coarse-ground composition and the spice from the Tabasco. The bottle is also quite nice, with a nice curvature and generic cap like most other mustards in the condiment jungle.

Look how badass it looks! (Disclaimer: not actually badass.)

However, to my disappointment, the mustard does not perform so well in the flavor category. The spice is rather weak for what I would assume to be the classic red Tabasco sauce. The taste is overall bland, which is dissatisfying. Now, the taste that is there isn't half bad; the mustard flavor is there, if a little weak. However, I was expecting a taste more along the lines of a nice stone-ground Dijon, like Trader's Joes', but spicier; but what I got was a weak, deli-mustard-esqe flavor with only a weak kick.

I'd recommend using this mustard in large amounts on sandwiches and the like to make up for it's lack of strength. If you're looking for a slightly spicy, coarse mustard, this is the one; but knowing Tabasco's history of strong hot sauces, this was disappointing. I give this 4 of those adorable mini Tabasco bottles out of 10; it's mediocre, but by trying to be something it wasn't, that made me a little cranky.

Trader Joe's Basil Mustard - Specialty Mustard Review

This stuff is pretty good. Then again, it's also one of the first fancy mustards I have reviewed, so my standards are kinda low. This is a review of Trader Joe's Basil Mustard from the Mustard Miscellany they offer. In case you didn't know, basil is a herb that tastes both sweet and savory, yet slightly minty. It also has a powerful smell of pepper and mint.

Trader Joe's Basil Mustard is a combination of spiciness and mustardiness, if that makes any sense. It has a sort of grainy texture, which adds to the depth that this mustard provides. The spicy flavor that this mustard has provides a nice kick. The variety of flavors and textures it possesses allows for a miscellany of uses- from sandwiches to eggs or something maybe? Do people do that? I bet it would be good. But it tastes good on sandwiches. Or off a spoon.

Another thing that this mustard has is a great jar. The ergonomically designed glass jar provides an opening for optimal mustard-spoonage. Plus, the jar holds a sizable amount of mustard, meaning you can lather it on all sorts of things until you run out.

The one on the right because I didn't take a picture.

If you like your mustard to have some heat and herb-y taste, I would definitely recommend this mustard. I'd give this a solid 9 basil leafs out of 10. I haven't broken into the next three quite yet, but stay tuned for them!

Speciality Mustard Review - Olivier Cognac Mustard

Welcome, fellow Mustardeers, to another installment of Hard Yellow mustard reviews from your resident mustard fanatic! To help out for this post, my new editor has carefully reviewed this review to make this post the best it could be. (I pay him in handshakes.)

For our first real review of 2015, I present to you a masterpiece - Olivier's Cognac Mustard. As usual, I have to discuss the jar first before anything else; this is the mustard's only fault. The jar is unfortuantely quite unwirlding, especially the top; it gets stuck very easily, and ios one of those agravating tops that's hard to put back on again easily.

But with that over with, let's move on to the actual mustard!

From the vineyards of Napa Valley!

 
The stuff is magnificent. It smells pleasing, unlike other mustard involving alcoholic ingredients like dijon mustard; and the taste is unbelievable. It's almost creamy in taste, with a pleasant amount of mustard; the cognac definitely pulls it all together. This mustard is wonderful on most anything involving meat; I first had it on ham, which was delicious.

I looked at the ingredients, and they're quite interesting. The mustard is in fact a blend of stone ground mustard, dijon mustard and cognac. This lends for a mustard with both great taste and texture; there are just enough seeds to keep it interesting, but not too many to make it a birdseed-mustard.

Overall, this elegant mustard gets 9 french spirits out of 10; the taste is unbelievable, and it's definitely one of my favorite mustards, but for the reasons of the jar and my refusal of giving anything a perfect score, it stays at a 9.

Mustard Miscellany!

Hey guys! Happy New Years!

I know we've been slacking on the posts lately, but let's just pretend it was a vacation or something. Anyways, I got Trader Joe's Mustard Miscellany for Christmas!

How exciting! I'll be making posts over time as I try each one, the first being the Basil Mustard. Spoilers, it's pretty good. Pox also said he had cognac mustard but he probably is gonna slack on that per usual. See you soon!